dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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