I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
