So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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