Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
