Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize
