I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
