I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
