you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
