Heybabeimwearingurpanties
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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