I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
