just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
