Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
