I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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