After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
