My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
