Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
