you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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