You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
