FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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