remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
