we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
