I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
He felt like a one man threesome
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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