he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
