can we get nightvision for the apartment?
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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