From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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