my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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