So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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