Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.