Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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