Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
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Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
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So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
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