Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
