The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Drunk is a universal language darling
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
