She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
