I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
