I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Found your dick twin last night
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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