I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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