someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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