I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
