How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
