I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
