Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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