maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
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Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
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I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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