i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
