found out what b.m.t stands for.
what did you think?
bread, meat, tomatoes, but then i realized that could be practically any sub.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize