I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
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She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
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Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
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