Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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