God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Dicks are not precious.
Randomize
