remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
