i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
