Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
