call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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