We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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