I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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