He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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