Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
