I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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